Dear Me, I’m Sorry I Hurt You

Dear me, I’m sorry I hurt you. Now that you’re in front of the mirror and I’m brave enough to look at you, I want you to listen to me. I have a lot of things to tell you, I have a lot of things to apologize for, and I can’t go on living like nothing’s wrong. It’s not fair.

I tried more than once to have this conversation with you, but I just wasn’t ready. Fear, disappointment, and pain kept me from facing up to what I’ve done to you over the years. Fear would grab me by the throat and keep me from speaking. I just pretended everything was okay and I even believed it myself.

Sometimes we think we’re ready, we think we’re strong enough and can handle anything, but we’re kidding ourselves. That was the problem. I wasn’t aware of it.

Right now I can look at you and recognize you in the mirror. I won’t run away from you or my problems. You are no longer invisible to me. I see you, I see myself, and I see us. I have accepted us.

This recognition, this rediscovery, has made me very happy, but I still feel that something is wrong, something that prevents me from enjoying you. What is reconciliation without an apology? I want to keep our ties strong, so I wrote this letter to you.

I’m sorry I didn’t understand you

Dear me, I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I forgot about you, pushed you into the background, denied you and pretended to be something else. I know I hurt you.

Being ashamed of you has done me a lot of damage. Moreover , rejection is one of the deepest wounds we can incur. I’ve denied you and I’ve denied myself. Denying ourselves is the worst kind of betrayal we can do to ourselves. It’s like we’re invisible and it hurts.

I can’t believe how much I hated us! You did everything wrong. I remember making you doubt yourself, making you feel guilty and helpless. I didn’t care if it was your looks, personality, or what you did. I couldn’t stand you. I thought you had nothing to offer, nothing of value.

Dear me, I’m sorry I pushed you to the limit, mistreated you and criticized everything you did. I know I haven’t been good to you. I’m really sorry for being so cold to you. Instead of hugging you, I withdrew, and that made you feel bad.

I ignored you for days on end, even though you needed my help. I’m sorry I closed myself off from you until I couldn’t take it anymore, until my heart exploded and I couldn’t remember how I could ever feel happy again, or calm. Well, I totally collapsed.

Even though I don’t want this to happen to anyone else, this incident made me discover that you were still there. You waited for me.

please listen to me

From now on I want us to be different. I want to protect you. So I propose you a deal: let’s bet on each other. I on you, and you on me. Let’s become one, instead of a false hero and his executioner. Let’s become partners.

I promise I will listen to you even if it hurts. Now I know you have important things to say to me. I’ll help you speak louder. I want to get to know you, rediscover you, know all about you, what you are good at and what you want to do. Actually I want to know everything.

I can’t promise I won’t hurt you again. That is impossible. We all make mistakes, but I won’t do it on purpose. We will be happy to be who we are.

After hiding myself behind a mask like that, I’ve come to realize that without you I’m nobody. I have tasted the betrayal and it is one of the most horrible experiences I have experienced.

I will respect you. If you feel depressed, I will sympathize with you. I will be in your shoes, I will try to understand you. Instead of making you feel guilty, I’ll find out why you feel this way. That’s the only way to understand what’s going on.

Let’s make an appointment

I will embrace your fears and your pain. Everything I’ve been through has taught me that you can’t go on without listening to the other person. If I stay angry and resentful, it will only keep me away from you. As a result, I will feel helpless and worthless, sad and depressed. I don’t want that for either of us.

Life is hard and it won’t always go well. If you don’t feel like walking, at least let me walk beside you. I know I hurt and disappointed you, but let’s try again.

Let’s build bridges to well-being and acceptance. I want us to be one, to grow this bond that can fill us with peace and love. I want to hold your hand and never let go. What do you say? Do we have a deal?