Don’t Expect People To Change For You

Expecting people to change for you is pointless. This often happens in relationships where one person wants the other person to change for the better, behave well and love him or her the way he or she wants. However, those expectations are rarely met.

Think about it. Thinking that someone will make a 180-degree turn and change their attitude and behavior leads to a dangerous and toxic emotional dependence.

It’s like waiting for a miracle. Believe that when they say things will change, the past stays in the past and then… surprise! You fell into their trap again.

This kind of situation is very common and normal. Waiting for someone to change for you because you love and trust them. Love cannot be love without trust.

You will find yourself giving them a lot of chances, because maybe this time it will be okay. You are convinced that loving them will change them for the better. Until, one day, you open your eyes and realize that none of that will happen.

Expecting others to change is frustrating

In psychology, the term personality is used to describe a set of somewhat stable traits. So if someone is shy and introverted, it will be difficult to be extroverted all of a sudden.

Showing a clear tendency in their personality will not stop people from changing it and adopting unnatural personality traits.

If man did not believe in changes, psychology would be useless. In addition to changing things to others, people can also improve themselves and change their mindset and behavior.

Doctor Walter Roberts of the University of Illinois conducted a study in which he found that change is more likely in a psychotherapeutic setting.

This means that when a person is aware that there is a problem that needs to be addressed, medical intervention can help them and cause possible personality changes.

Is it correct to expect people to change?

You always expect people to change for the better. This hope is also present in families, or when parents are raising their children. When children don’t behave as expected, parents apply a few corrections and say that people want them to be respectful and responsible, for example.

The same goes for education. Education is about guidance, suggestions, dialogues, leading by example and taking a better path than our parents. When you’re an adult, your personality is almost certain. So if you don’t have the will to change anything, you won’t.

Therefore, your partner may display traits that you don’t like. You have to accept the good and the bad. Mistakes, hobbies and quirks make people who they are. So trying to change people isn’t always the best idea.

Also, some situations can become more serious. For example, being abusive, despicable and deceitful should not be allowed at any time. This behavior requires a necessary change.

You get hurt and they won’t change. What can you do?

John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work contains an important statement. Love goes beyond acceptance; it is valuing others for what they are and vice versa.

If you find harmful behavior, or what Gottman defines as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defense, and hindrance), then that relationship will fail.

This is where change is essential. It’s not about waiting for others to change for you, it’s about accepting that there is a problem. Because when people suffer, you need to change your attitude and behavior so that your relationship doesn’t suffer.

In cases like the above, one of two things will happen. On the one hand, the person will not change and it will become a “take it or leave it” situation.

On the other hand, you will fall into an emotional and mental trap if you think that they will change for you, believing that they say that everything will be different and that no matter what happened, it won’t happen again. However, it still happens again and it usually gets worse.

What can you do if you find yourself in this situation? The answer is simple. If you’re unhappy and the other person won’t change to make things better, then you need to change. Take a step forward and start working on healing yourself.

Finally, in these circumstances, you should ask for expert help. Therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists can be really helpful in these cases.