Life Is Not The Same After Losing A Friend

Your own life will never be the same after the death of a loved one. You can only gradually process the suffering you are confronted with internally. For most people, such a grieving process is emotionally very intense, overwhelming and very painful anyway. Perhaps the deceased friend or loved one was the only person you could really openly share your deepest feelings with, and the one who colored, enriched, and completed your existence.

Every death you face in your lifetime is exceptional, and totally incomparable. For example, you know that your parents will one day leave you, and that the void they leave behind can have a heartbreaking effect. Yet hardly anyone is prepared, or refuses to even think about it at all, to admit that the dark side of fate can also kill my best friend, my companion. The one who knows you better than anyone, to whom you have revealed your wildest dreams and ideals.

Harold Ivan Smith is an author who specializes in the psychology and practice of grief: learning to bear, and ultimately recover from, the loss of the people you love most. One of his best-known books is called “Grieving the Death of a Friend”, in which he discusses, among other things, that this irrevocable loss forces the bereaved to say goodbye to an authentic, cherished and fulfilling relationship..

We all know that we are essentially just fleeting passers-by in this wonderful, unpredictable and sometimes terribly cruel world. Everything we take for granted, literally and figuratively, can collapse like a house of cards within a day. Because such things happen – whether we like it or not. It can be an accident, or an incurable disease, that forces you to watch a loved one – day after day – slowly and further languish, even if they remain combative to their last breath.

Hardly anyone is ready – mentally and emotionally – to say goodbye to their loved one for good. It’s like losing a part of yourself, or being orphaned. You plod along blinded, knowing that there will be no more (joint) phone calls, dinners, outings or coffee breaks, that there will be no more books, movies or problems – with a smile and a tear – to be discussed and shared.

The most vulnerable population group, those most affected by the death of a friend, are adolescents. According to an article published on the educational website ‘All Psychology Careers’, nearly 40% of all young people have already lost a close friend or family member.

And the most complicated thing about this whole situation is that such deaths, in general, in a social sense, have a profoundly traumatic impact. Just notice the shockingly high suicide rate among teenagers and young adults – who as a group are also the most susceptible and vulnerable to impulsively copying such terrible ‘news’ from their environment, or in the media. Faced with these numbers – and harsh reality – we need to give these needy individuals as much support as possible based on our intuition, tact and empathy.

Strategies for Facing the Death of a Friend

In the aforementioned book by Harold Ivan Smith – “Grieving the Death of a Friend” – also explains that, following the death of a friend, partner or family, dependents earlier and are better able to accept when they move out. That is to say: instead of being completely paralyzed by the loss, and freezing that open wound, as it were, it is important to dare to cry out loud, to express your grief through your body and limbs. Return to the places where you laughed and were happy together. Restore old habits – even if only for a moment. In this way you integrate those bittersweet good memories into your own mind and experience, even after the person in question has passed away. And by generously welcoming and processing that pain born of love, sooner or later you can open yourself again to the world, to life, and to others.

It should also be mentioned that we all deal with doom and gloom – of whatever nature – in our own way. Some people are comparatively faster , for example because active expression is not a problem and they can let their emotions run wild. While others need longer for that and first wish to be quiet and alone for a period of time. The ‘needle’ of time seamlessly sews these dismembered insignia of your life back together at its own pace.

Methods of Coping with Sorrow and Depression

The intense psychological pain inherent in losing a friend can be approached as follows:

• First of all, recognize that you are grieving, and how much it hurts. This awareness – realizing what this loss actually means, that it will take you some time to regain your inner balance, and to understand exactly what is happening and what has changed – is essential. Including the emptiness and the acute lack. Seek comfort and solace from your remaining friends and relatives, keep in touch with the family of your deceased spouse or former comrade, and remind them how much he or she meant to you. With that you bring yourself, and each other, some relief.
• Concentrate on the positive memories, and make sure you don’t reinforce traumatic memory musings, for example by playing them over and over, and stronger, in your mind. Treat the friendship, and your recollection of it, as a precious gift for which you are grateful every day. Think back to all the moments you shared and lived together, and know that your dead friend lives on in you, with you , as a part of you. That is also how you reconnect with your own existence, and find the resilience to continue.

• Resume your obligations and responsibilities, but at the same time introduce brand new routines. Because whether you like it or not, a new phase has irrevocably arrived. Keep all the social and professional commitments you’ve already made, but also invest time, energy and attention in developing new habits that will help you get to know more people, feel hopeful again, while keeping old friendships alive. nestles deep in your heart, and radiates a warm glow there forever.

That departed friend and soul mate is your oxygen and memory – your valued other half who, from a more serene dimension, continues to smile at you and wish you  all the best .