Suddenly You Passed By: Falling Head Over Heels In Love

I always saw her in the hallway at school. I often tried to sit close to her so that I could admire her beauty. Her face conveyed peace and serenity. Her hair was long, wavy and dark. She was physically perfect. She was the kind of girl I always wanted. I had fallen head over heels in love.

Sometimes we exchanged looks and sometimes we even said hello. However, I always did this with a trembling voice. I never knew what to say. Eventually I realized that I was falling more and more in love with her. What I had yet to discover, however, was that infatuation is only an illusion.

Patricia was the kind of girl I’d always wanted as a girlfriend. And there we were, in the same room every morning. As I walked past her, I smelled a wonderful perfume that permeated the entire room. When she said hello to me, my legs were shaking. So I really fell head over heels in love.

Head over heels in love: next to me

I always fantasized about what it would be like to walk the streets of the city with her beside me. How we would talk about the beautiful and strange buildings and comment on everything around us. Then we would sit down on a bench and talk and laugh continuously.

After that we would go out for a bite to eat and have the time of our lives. And one day we would hug and kiss. Every time I saw her at school, I was overcome by these thoughts.

Once I was having lunch with one of my classmates and she was sitting next to us. How was this possible? It seemed as if they had known each other for quite some time. I had no idea! I started to get very nervous. The girl of my dreams was sitting right in front of me.

She was beautiful. For me she was perfect. I was head over heels in love with her and I fell more and more in love by the day. At the same time, however, I was also afraid to disappoint her.

The illusion of a special bond

We started having lunch together more often. In those moments, we talked about all kinds of different things and often laughed at each other. We always asked for the menu first. She liked soft drinks, but I preferred water. She loved salad and I loved pasta.

I preferred fruit for dessert, while she usually had custard. When I looked into her eyes, I imagined that we were together on a tropical island, where we could sunbathe and swim in the clearest water.

We talked more and more often. It seemed like she was interested in me too. I had been in love with her for about a year and a half now. One day we decided to have a coffee together. We had a good time together.

We had different hobbies, but I didn’t mind. I realized that we complemented each other nevertheless. She did certain things that made me feel like we had a special bond.

The time had come

One winter afternoon, Patricia sat next to me in the school cafeteria and said, “I have something to tell you.”

I immediately started shaking. The time had come.

“Of course, what is it?” I said.

“The point is that I fall in love with someone. I didn’t tell you before because I don’t like to talk about these things, but I just don’t know what to do.”

“What’s the problem then? Isn’t the person you’re in love with in love with you?” I asked.

“Yes, he is…” she said.

“What then?” I asked.

“He lives in another city. We rarely see each other and I don’t like long distance relationships. Everyone always says how complicated these kinds of relationships are.”

That’s when I stopped listening to what she said. I plunged into a dark, bottomless pit. I looked at her and felt an anger I hadn’t experienced in a long time.

So she’s in love with someone else? She had given me all kinds of signals! What was going on? This can’t be true, I must be the one she’s head over heels in love with. I had secretly had feelings for her for so long, but I had never shared my feelings with her.

I didn’t want to keep listening to her. In fact, I didn’t want to see her anymore. I was so disappointed. I was so excited about the idea of ​​ever having a happy relationship with her, when in reality I never really had a chance.

Though I loved her, she loved another man. Nothing made sense anymore. I couldn’t believe she had given me false signals.

What really happened

A few months later I ran into an old man on the bus on my way home. We sat next to each other. The drive took an hour and a half, so we had plenty of time to talk.

We talked about all kinds of different things. I decided to tell him my disappointing love story. To my surprise, the man looked at me tenderly and said with a smile, “The problem is, you weren’t really in love with her.”

“Excuse me?” I asked, confused. I had had feelings for her for over a year, how could I not be in love?

“ You can’t love someone you don’t know, at least not in a romantic way. You were in love with the idea of ​​her, not her. Falling in love doesn’t necessarily mean you love someone, remember that. Falling head over heels in love is an illusion.”

Wise words

A few minutes passed before we spoke to each other again. I didn’t understand what he meant. I didn’t know what facial expression to put on. The old man kept looking out the window and smiled.

Then he turned to me and said, “You were probably interested in that girl because of her physical appearance and from that moment on you started imagining a happy life by her side. You were excited and hopeful, but you didn’t really know her. Slowly you started to idealize her more and more.”

“As you started seeing her more and more, you only paid attention to the aspects that you liked. At the same time, you probably started to ignore her shortcomings. You thought she would make you happy. You practically put your own happiness in her hands.

I’m sorry, my friend, but that’s not love, that’s madness. That’s why you were so disappointed. Love is real, authentic. True love is when you expect nothing from the other person and at the same time would do anything to make the other person happy.

You interpreted her signals as gestures of love, because that was what you wanted. You were the writer, director and producer of the romantic movie you had created in your head.

And eventually you started to believe in it so strongly that you were completely disconnected from reality. Don’t worry though, this happens to all of us. It’s not uncommon for us to fall into that trap at least once.

If you really loved her, you’d want her to be happy, even if it’s not with you. So next time, see if you’re really falling head over heels in love with someone, or if you’re just creating irrational expectations in your head.”

Falling head over heels in love is an illusion

The old man continued: “As José Ortega y Gasset once said, ‘ We fall in love when our imagination projects non-existent perfection onto another person. One day fantasy evaporates and love dies at the same time. Interesting, isn’t it? It took me a while to remember this phrase, but it had such an impact on my life that I couldn’t forget it. I am sure it will help you a lot too.”

The bus ride was over. I said goodbye to the old man. Then I came home, said goodbye to my parents and sat down on the couch. Then I thought about everything the man had said to me. At first it seemed like all foolishness, but when I thought about it a little longer, I realized he was right.

It was true, Patricia had never had feelings for me. It was my mind that made everything up. I still remember what that old man said to me, “If you really love someone, wish them happiness. Don’t look at what the other can do for you, but what you can do for the other.

If the other suffers, help him. That’s what love is about: helping others and making them happy. If that person loves you too, I assure you this will be the best relationship you will ever experience.”

Suddenly everything fell together. I started reading about falling in love and found an interesting article written by Chóliz and Gómez (2002) in which they affirm that attractive people enjoy more benefits than ‘unattractive’ people.

We attribute desirable qualities to them because they look good. Plus, their appearance makes us treat them better.

Thanks to the old man’s wise words and everything I read, I became more and more convinced that being in love is an illusion. That’s why it’s important to be aware of the expectations we create in our heads. Especially when we fall head over heels in love.

Now whenever I meet a girl and feel an immediate emotional activation within myself, I repeat several times in my head: “Falling in love is an illusion.”